I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
