have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
