i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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