From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
