I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We talked him into tasing himself.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
me + whiskey = a bad person
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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