My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
