Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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