my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
