i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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