dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
