shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
