We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
