i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
