His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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