I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
