my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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