I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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