My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
