You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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