my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
