I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
