I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
