Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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