my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
