I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
