Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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