before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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