In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
