I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
