The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
