There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
