I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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