thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
