She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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