Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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