I want to walk on stilts...naked
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
