My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
