I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
why do cheetos always look like penises
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
