wat bout pragnant strippers??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
