Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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