She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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