i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
