How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
