My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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