I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
