I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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