Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
