Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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