yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You took a bar mat shot.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Boobs are out for the taking
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
