The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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