whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
