And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
