he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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