...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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