I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
