I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
