Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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